This one is not the same kind of blog-post I usually do. This would be some kind of a confession or sharing of feelings. So, you are free to just leave right now and not read about some of my "trivial" feelings these days.
So, as I was saying, now-a-days I often get this feeling of aloofness that it makes everything so difficult for me to understand or concentrate upon or in real words put my head into. To make it simpler, let me give you an example. Suppose I am watching a movie or among a group of friends, I feel so distant from that thing or the people around. It is as if I cannot understand them, I cannot understand what I am watching , nor I can relate to what my friends are talking about. It all seems so different, it is as if just some slides are being portrayed one after the other in front of me and I'm just sitting there not understanding a single word of it. Sitting in silence, sitting in awe, sitting in solitude, sitting like a dog, being alone all along.
It's very hard, you know to cope now-a-days with everything, with everyone. And I don't even want to. This feeling has been there for so long that now I don't even want to fight it down. I just want it to be there, want everyone to do whatever they are doing and someday just leave everything. Letting everything go and just leave.
I know I have a lot to do, I have so much to achieve, so much to live for...but this feeling, this exact feeling is making me NUMB. Turning me into an insomniac hollow being. Sometimes, I feel like a "walking dead" in literal words. I don't know how to escape this and I don't even know if I have the power to do so. Everyday, little by little I am losing myself. Everyday, I go to sleep with the thought of not getting up ever again.
There's this very feeling, you know I get every time I go to the terrace. It's that if walking upon the railing, reaching up to the edge if I could dive down...deep down and then I could again walk. But this time, on the air. As if the whole city will be the floor I'd be walking upon.
Anyway, to cool this thing off and to divert from my cold feeling, this afternoon I was reading "50 Psychological Classics" book by a variant of writers. And to this, my companion was a glass of cold chardonnay. Here it goes...
So, as I was saying, now-a-days I often get this feeling of aloofness that it makes everything so difficult for me to understand or concentrate upon or in real words put my head into. To make it simpler, let me give you an example. Suppose I am watching a movie or among a group of friends, I feel so distant from that thing or the people around. It is as if I cannot understand them, I cannot understand what I am watching , nor I can relate to what my friends are talking about. It all seems so different, it is as if just some slides are being portrayed one after the other in front of me and I'm just sitting there not understanding a single word of it. Sitting in silence, sitting in awe, sitting in solitude, sitting like a dog, being alone all along.
It's very hard, you know to cope now-a-days with everything, with everyone. And I don't even want to. This feeling has been there for so long that now I don't even want to fight it down. I just want it to be there, want everyone to do whatever they are doing and someday just leave everything. Letting everything go and just leave.
I know I have a lot to do, I have so much to achieve, so much to live for...but this feeling, this exact feeling is making me NUMB. Turning me into an insomniac hollow being. Sometimes, I feel like a "walking dead" in literal words. I don't know how to escape this and I don't even know if I have the power to do so. Everyday, little by little I am losing myself. Everyday, I go to sleep with the thought of not getting up ever again.
There's this very feeling, you know I get every time I go to the terrace. It's that if walking upon the railing, reaching up to the edge if I could dive down...deep down and then I could again walk. But this time, on the air. As if the whole city will be the floor I'd be walking upon.
Anyway, to cool this thing off and to divert from my cold feeling, this afternoon I was reading "50 Psychological Classics" book by a variant of writers. And to this, my companion was a glass of cold chardonnay. Here it goes...
And i will always remember our talk on this particular topic. :')
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